First Installment of The Switch

This has been a long time comming, which reflects my apathy when it comes to reformatting large portions of text. Nevertheless, it is here now, and I suggest giving it a read, because it is well written and contains a pluthera of interesting and provacative insights.

R Cole

©The Switch
Day 1
Lesson 1
8:01 a.m.

Teacher places a 10-ounce glass containing 5 ounces of water on the desk and asks, “Class, is this
glass half empty or half ful?” Half of the students say “half empty.”

The teacher explains that the correct answer is half ful since we‟re supposed to look for the good in
everything because that‟s what makes everything good: looking for it. However, since there is potential good and bad in al things, seeing the good won‟t always be easy—sometimes you have to look extra hard.

“For instance,” says the teacher, “if a teacher has a student who is very disruptive and doesn‟t study,
then seeing the bad would be easy; and it would also be very easy to write that student off as incorrigible. But if the teacher looks really hard and sees the potential of that student then with the extra attention, determination and patience required the teacher will bring out the good in her. Because good only arises out of a lot of effort and nurturing, whereas it is very easy to bring out the bad in something since all that requires is abuse and/or neglect. And nothing takes less talent than being destructive, (…except of course for pornography.)

“Conversely, a teacher could have a student who always gets good grades and helps promote group
cohesion. Even a pessimist could see the good in such a student since the good would be very easy to discern with no effort necessary (on the part of the teacher).

“In other words, class, perceiving beauty is simple. Creating beauty is work. “Work is beautiful.”
Having finished the only lesson planned the teacher says the students are dismissed until tomorrow.
So the students all get together after class to think of a game to play until they have to go back to
school the next day. One of the original optimists suggests that they try to figure out what the next question will be. To make it interesting and have some friendly competition he says that they should split up into two groups, the half who said half full, and the half who said half empty; i.e., Group O and Group P. (He actually figured that since Group P was too dumb to guess half full that he probably would be in the winning group.)

So they split up to figure out what the next question will be and before long someone in Group O
declares: “The next question wil probably be: Who wants to fill up the glass?” (Group P hadn‟t even
bothered to try and guess the next question; they were just glad that they could go out and play.)
So the next day Group O is excited about showing off to the teacher that their team already knows
the next question. However, their zeal gets pre-empted by the teacher‟s announcement: “Although everyone said they understood that they‟re supposed to look up, not everyone actualy internalized the lesson, so I have to repeat it. Because until everyone actualy applies it to the real world I‟m not authorized to ask anymore questions.” So the teacher repeated the first question and al of the students of course now say “half ful.” The teacher reiterates why that‟s the correct answer, and then tels them that they‟re dismissed until tomorrow.

“So, go home, and, hopefuly, you‟l al take a hint, then tomorrow we‟l be able to consider Lesson 1
accomplished.” Group O is annoyed that Group P was evidently gumming up the works by merely giving lip service to the teacher‟s theory of optimism, but they figured that in the meantime they might as well just keep trying to anticipate all of the next lessons in order to impress the teacher. Before long someone comes to the 2 conclusion that since they can‟t actualy go on until everyone looks up, then they won‟t be able to go further until everyone actually brings in 5 ounces of water.

Unfortunately, the next day the teacher has to give the same spiel, reminding them that until
everyone actualy looks up, he‟s not alowed to ask any more questions. This happens the next day too and the day after that. In fact, they keep repeating this cycle for years. Eventually, the teacher had to retire and be replaced; and the students had gotten so old that they ended up sending their children to repeat Lesson 1 on their behalf. In fact, this cycle repeated itself for generations so that the students in Group O had a LOT of time to keep pursuing the teacher‟s probable agenda. Within al of that time they had figured that the next lesson must be how to make a 10-ounce glass. And they wouldn‟t be able to move on until everyone actualy built his or her own glass and filled it with water.

So, with all of that time on their hands they were able to teach themselves how to build their own
glasses. They were quite proud and eager for the teacher to finally move on so that they could show off what they had accomplished—and rub it in Group P‟s faces. Meanwhile, Group P had decided sometime back that they ought to see if they could come up with the next lesson so that they wouldn‟t be too far behind Group O. Unfortunately, though, everyone came up with different ideas for what the next question would be, but they never were able to setle on just one of them. So they became dejected that they weren‟t accomplishing anything. Eventually they gave up and became indifferent. They ended up looking down.

Meanwhile, after each Group O member successfully had built his or her own 10-ounce glass, they
then determined that they should learn how to make wine; and then after that they should each learn how to cultivate their own unique brand of wine. Then, finally, after all of that time and all that they had achieved, they realized that if they wanted to keep making progress, they‟d have to build an 11-ounce glass. For this stage of making progress, however, despite how relatively smoothly they had quickly accomplished so much, they were now having tremendous difficulty figuring out how to successfully build an 11-ounce glass. For some unknown reason every prototype 11-ounce glass was always lacking structural integrity and would crack. So, now, when the teacher continued to just keep repeating Lesson 1, members of Group O got restless and frustrated since they didn‟t know what to do with themselves in lieu of making progress with construction. Finally, though, on the evening of November 12, 2005, while a number of optimists from all walks of life were attending a seminar on how to make colored glass, Elaine Bennis suddenly wigged out from the frustration and implored the other attendees to join her in getting pro-active: “People!! Why don‟t we just go meet the teacher in private and ask him what the catch is to building an 11- ounce glass?! Because if we don‟t force the issue soon, our camel‟s back wil be history!”

“True that,” said everyone else.

So at 9:34 Elaine called the teacher at home and charmed him into meeting them at the school
despite the late hour. “I don‟t have the key to the schoolhouse,” he said, “but there‟s a window to my
classroom that I leave unlocked, so I‟l meet you al there in 30 minutes. But I‟m warning you: that window is closing at precisely 10:04, and it‟s not opening again. Because I don‟t take kindly to dawdlers.”

So at 10:04 the teacher closed the window and then Elaine exasperatedly asked, “What are you
waiting for?! We tried to go on ahead by ourselves and for a while we were making such fantastic progress.

But we‟ve hit a wal and can‟t figure out how to negotiate it. Do you have any intention of ever just asking the next question to those of us in Group O who have been looking up? Or could you at least tell us what the
trick is to building an 11-ounce glass already!?”
“Wel, let me ask you something. When do al of you intend to stop looking down?”
“Huh? Us? We haven‟t been looking down. Just look at al the progress we‟ve made,” Elaine said.
“„Progress‟? Okay, I guess you could cal it that. But tel me something. Why did you guys split up
into two groups when you decided to go ahead without my guidance? Wouldn‟t it have made more sense to 3 stick together to maximize your labor force and collective ingenuity? Did you guys have something against Group P?”

“We just figured that they‟d hold us back and make us look bad.”

“Wel, that wasn‟t a very optimistic way of looking at your felow students, was it?”

Silence.

“Have you seen the so-called progress that Group P has made? Have you been to Mexico City or
Uganda lately? Have you seen the children in China wearing surgeons‟ masks in the playground? Have you
any idea what a catastrophic problem the use of depleted uranium as weaponry is? Do you realize that in 48 states you can‟t eat the fish?! Have you not read this and this and this? Did you know that an ice shelf the size of Long Island broke off recently and that numerous dead polar bears have been found floating in the water because the ice patches that they drift on have become so sparse? And have you not read Joe Klein‟s September 22, 2005, Time article, „Is It Too Late To Win the War?‟ or Barbara Ehrenreich‟s Bait and Switch: The (Futile) Pursuit of the American Dream or Jeffrey Hart‟s The Making of the American Conservative Mind? Have you seen the kind of parking lot cities like Atlanta turn into every workday? You would think that their mayor never heard of The Law of Diminishing Returns. Look, the reason that you haven‟t been able to build an 11-ounce glass is because it just can‟t be done unless al of the builders are looking up. If you guys had been looking up on Group P all along, then the 11-ounce glass would have been structurally sound; simple as that.”

“Oh. But why didn‟t you just tel us this a long time ago instead of leting us go up against that wal
and have al of this hassle?” “Don‟t blame me because you‟re al bad listeners who can‟t take a hint.”
“Wel, now that we‟ve learned from our mistake everything should be pretty smooth sailing from
here, right?”

“Do you realy think that it could be that easy to fix such an exponential mistake after al of this
time? Did you not hear what I just said about the extent to which Group P‟s penchant for indifference—
along with your group‟s penchant for ignoring the law of cause and long-term effects in your frantic rush to make progress—has undermined posterity? I guess if the „O‟ in „Group O‟ stands for „ostriches‟ then
perhaps you‟re good to go. But if you take your heads out of the sand then you‟l see that it‟s about time you al dropped down on your knees and prayed your hearts out for help from above, figuratively speaking.”

“Oh, come on, teacher. It‟s not that bad. Surely those problems can be reversed through people
power.”

“„People power‟? Look, even if everyone amongst both Group O and Group P were smart and
healthy (let alone honest), unless you get yourselves some coordination power you can‟t expect your people power to amount to a hill of beans. But, considering the actual state of the people in Group P, even with coordination power you‟re going to have to hold your breath. I mean, do you have any idea how rampant and PERVERSE pornography has become? Have you not heard about the utterly inf#%kingsane proselytizing going on at the Air Force Academy? Not to mention that these same people have
commandeered sex education in public schools and insist on teaching the fantasy-based philosophy of
abstinence-only while compounding the insanity by LYING to students. And have you not seen the
documentaries The Corporation, Control Room and Outfoxed? I mean, you people can put a man on the
moon, yet you can‟t even ingrain in your children that litering is counterproductive. And do you realize that not only do some of the students from Group P answer their cell phones at the movie theatre, but sometimes they will actually PLACE THE CALL. And did you know that some of them have gotten so silly, and so squeamish about leting their kids just be kids, that they‟ve done away with dodge ball! To top off the pathetic absurdity of it, not only have they done away with keeping score at little league games, but they 4 don‟t even cal strikes…every kid can just stay up at bat until he hits it. How they can tel a game from a practice I‟l never know, but I‟ve got perpetual vertigo from roling my eyes 24/7. But, heck, why should I be surprised that the hoi poloi have become so incongruent when even the elite can‟t demonstrate a modicum of common sense or conscience. I mean, just look at 5/9 of the Supreme Court. In Bush v. Gore they actually said with a straight face that counting all of the votes would be undemocratic because each district used different counting methods. By that rationale, none of the votes anywhere should have been counted. Talk about your activist judges! You would think that the other Justices would have taken them out to the woodshed to hold their feet to the fire and demand an explanation as to how it‟s intelectualy congruent to claim that democracy is better served by selecting the wrong winner today just for the sake of not further prolonging the state of transitional limbo instead of taking the necessary time to insure that the transition was democratic. And you would think that The Liberal Media would have dropped everything to have every front page read „BULLSHIT ELECTION, BULLSHIT PRESIDENT!!!!!‟ everyday until President-Elect Gore was sworn in and those 5 Justices, Jeb Bush and Katherine Harris were put in jail. The only event more shameless and criminal was when the TV show 24 had the audacity to have Nina end up being the double agent even though she was the one who had previously warned the other agents that Jack was being coerced into killing the president. Yet, people still bothered to watch the following seasons! But, heck, why should I be surprised by something as inconsequential as that? After all, citizens are being sent to die for oil, yet
during the daytime nobody even bothers to make the monumental effort needed to SHUT OFF THE
FRICKEN LIGHTS OUTSIDE. But, hey, at least y‟al can take solace in the fact that McDonald‟s has a new
healthy menu…and Ronald Fugging McDonald himself was on MSNBC to tel us about it.”

“Teacher, that‟s nothing,” said Jake Johansen. “Some people have gone so berserk that they‟ve felt
the need to secularize the lyrics to „Silent Night‟!”

“Jesus, Mary and Joseph!!” decried the teacher. “What a bunch of fruitcakes!!”

“Actualy, teacher,” said Janeane Garafolo, “that story is based on a serious misconstruing of what
actually happened. Just read this to see for yourself.”

“Teacher, I‟ve taught my teenagers that it‟s cruel and shortsighted to bring children into this hellhole
of a planet, so they should adopt if they want to have kids. Are you teling me that they‟re being taught that they should remain abstinent for life? Don‟t these evangelical fundamentalists realize that such a policy is apt to compel guys to get married prematurely in order to avoid not having a sex life?”
“Who knows? I don‟t think those people are capable of processing facts. Otherwise they wouldn‟t
still be insisting on this policy despite the fact that the results of it have been increased rates of STDs and unplanned pregnancies amongst teens; (and imagine what a bumper crop that generation wil be if we don‟t pick up al of that slack).”

“Teacher, speaking of how clueless they are in Texas, I saw a story there about a wonderful white
couple with 4 teenagers who had been fostering a black toddler for a year. Eventually, though, the black
people running social services had such huge chips on their shoulders that they insisted on taking the child away from them so that he could be adopted by a sub-par black couple. On the day he was to be taken away they found him in the bathroom covered in toothpaste. Crying with anguish he said, „I‟m white now, so can I stay?‟ .The dysfunctional couple they gave him to ended up beating him to death.”
The teacher let out a heavy sigh, then remarked: “As David Leterman once said, „It‟s a shame that
people aren‟t smarter.‟ A GOSH DARN, COTTON PICKING SHAME. …And there ought to be a law.”
“Teacher,” asked Emily Nite, “since you brought it up, don‟t you think, though, that it worked out
for the best that George W. Bush was selected president?”

“Only if you‟re being sarcastic. Otherwise, Emily, are you asking because you don‟t know the
difference between good results and bad results or because you get your news from The Daily Fiction
5 Constitution? And how can you be comfortable with the world‟s worst communicator? Don‟t you realize that a leader‟s potential (to mobilize) is directly proportional to how effective of a communicator he is? Because, as parenting expert John Rosemond wil tel us: „Good leaders and teachers use compelling speech.‟ And do you not also realize that the other equaly important atribute of an effective leader is trustworthiness?”

“How do you figure?” Leonardo DiCaprio asked.

“Well, suppose a genie offered you an unlimited lifetime supply of one of the folowing whenever
you asked for more: gold, money, marijuana, al varieties of food and beverage, weaponry, or everybody‟s complete trust. Guess which one would be the most valuable choice.”
Leo shrugged his shoulders.

“Let me put it this way: The guy who takes the trust would we permitted to give a back massage to
practically any girl he wanted, whereas the guy who takes the money would actually have to expend a lot of money to eventualy earn that kind of trust; and that stil might not suffice.”

“Teacher,” Leo said, “for those of us for whom it would be superfluous to pick the trust, what would
be the next best choice?”

“That depends on how optimisticaly you view the future.”

“Actualy, teacher,” said someone else, “it would make more sense to take the food and beverage as
the first choice since you could wish for enough for everyone and then you‟d have everyone‟s trust as wel.”

“Actualy, student, since the real world doesn‟t have magic genies it makes more sense to take the
trust, and then with that trust direct the people to allocate enough farmland to feed everyone.

“So, anyway, whether it‟s fair or not, Bush‟s reputation is to the point where he got boos and
whistles at the pope‟s funeral, and Holand‟s Supreme Court almost decided to have him arrested when he arrived there, and „opinion pols in many nations showed substantial numbers who thought that “bin Laden was more likely to do the right thing than Bush.”‟ And, considering that the words that come out of his mouth have no bearing on the man‟s decisions, you can‟t tel me that his reputation is not deserved. I mean, the man claims to be compassionate, yet he eviscerates safety nets for the poor, waives the Geneva Convention protections for prisoners—some of whom are innocent—and has no problem allowing a man to be executed even when the sole witness of the crime admits to making it up for the reward money and the alleged murderer was so mentally challenged that he held the gun backwards when the police asked him to hold the murder weapon. And, when speaking to a journalist about Karla Faye Tucker, Mr. Bush did a mock imitation of her saying: „Oh, please don‟t kil me.‟ (It‟s criminal that Democrats and journalists didn‟t repeat this fact around the clock until it was the death knel for Bush‟s presidential aspirations; along with the fact that he spared the life of self-confessed child molester and mass-murderer Henry Lee Lukass—the only death row inmate to ever earn clemency from Bush. (!!!!))”

“Wow,” said Emily, “I had no idea how ignorant I was of Mr. Bush‟s inconsistencies and uter lack
of leadership qualities. Gosh, now I‟m suddenly frightened to realize just what kind of jeopardy we‟re in as long as such a man remains in charge. What do you think we should do about it, teacher?”
“Wel, Emily, let‟s suppose for the sake of argument that Mr. Bush is actualy a decent man with
good intentions; (humor me). If so, then you guys should let him in on the newsflash that communicative prowess and trustworthiness are the most integral attributes of a real leader. Then remind him that whenever he communicates he sounds like someone who has no idea what he‟s talking about, especially on the subjects of Truth, Justice and The American Way.”

“Could you give some examples of his inability to communicate?”

“Wel, just pick anytime he‟s ever spoken and there‟s a 99% chance that it‟s embarrassing to listen
to him unless every word was writen for him in advance (and even then, don‟t hold your breath). But the quintessential example that—”

“Teacher! Teacher!” interjected Drew Barrymore, “I bet you‟re going to say that the quintessential
example is the time that he said either: a) „You teach a child to read and he or her wil be able to pass a
literacy test.‟ b) the time when he used the esoteric word „dissemble‟ and then facetiously added in his usual pedantic tone, „That means to not tel the truth.‟ …Except he didn‟t actualy say „dissemble,‟ he said „disassemble.‟ c) the fact that he said during the State of the Union address, „You‟re either with us or against us,‟ but then two years later told the White House press corps: „Foreign policy is not an either/or proposition.‟ d) „After standing on the stage, after the debates, I made it very plain: we will not have an allvolunteer army.‟ e) how, according to Robert McNamara, he botched relations with Beijing so badly we could end up at war with China in the next decade, f) „Our enemies… never stop thinking of new ways to harm our country, and neither do we.‟ g) his ineffable atempt in Kansas on Jan. 23, 2005, to trick Americans into somehow believing that we should take him more seriously than Barney Fife or Barney the Dinosaur, h) saying about 9/11 on 1/05/02 that „It was an interesting day.‟ i) his 26 April 2001 speech solely devoted to facetiously mocking his unique inability to think and speak…and the audience dutifully laughed and applauded as though thinking and speaking coherently has no correlation with successful leadership, j) saying that the „saddest part‟ about his presidency is that he now only has time to jog 3 miles a day, k) „Whether or not we can be ever fully safe is up—you know, is up in the air.‟ l) „Laura and I really don’t realize how bright our children is sometimes until we get an objective analysis.‟ or m) …when he waved to Stevie Wonder.”

“Close, Drew, but the quintessential example that the man can‟t communicate comes from his own
admission during a debate with Al Gore where he was asked why he said Jesus Christ was his favorite
political philosopher. He responded: „It‟s not something you can explain.‟ Wel, somebody should have
explained to him right then and there that the first prerequisite to being a qualified politician is that you must be able to explain the core of your political philosophy. I mean, for Christ‟s sake, there are 5-year-olds who could explain in one sentence why Jesus Christ is a good political role model. The degree to which that grated me to the core can only be expressed in the inimitable style of Howard Dean:
YAAAAAHARRGHYREEEAAGH!!!!!”

“But, teacher,” remarked George Carlin, “at least Bush‟s policies reflect the teachings of Jesus. After
al, didn‟t Jesus say something to the effect of: „Lead by example—torture your enemies, bullshit your ass off, rape Mother Nature, then slit her throat, give ample lip service to the poor, and above all: DON‟T LET THE WORKERS ORGANIZE.‟”

“Teacher,” David Cross proffered, “if Bush had been capable of articulating the Conservative
philosophy, perhaps he would have said: „The Conservative ideology is that the government can‟t be
trusted…so try to get us elected because I‟m teling you up front that you can‟t trust us once you do.‟”
“Wel,” said Stephanie Miler, “at least he finaly did find the words to encapsulate the Republican
spirit when, on March 26, 2006, he astutely pointed out: „The government is not a loving organization.‟”
“Teacher,” Larry Miler said, “you should think before you speak. I mean, give me a break. How can
you say that was the quintessential example? Did you not see the first debate between him and Kerry?”
“Oh, that‟s right. I guess I repressed that memory because it was so frightening and heart-wrenching
to see that the leader of the so-caled greatest country on Earth should have his mouth duct taped for life.”

“Teacher,” Jim Carrey suggested, “don‟t you think, though, that the argument could be made that the
fact that his town hall meetings screen out those who might ask him to communicate explanations for some things he‟s got some serious s‟plainin‟ to do is the most beyond-the-pale example that not only can’t he communicate, but he doesn‟t even think he‟s obligated to. In fact, we‟re lucky he even deigns to have fake town hal meetings since he actualy once said that he doesn‟t think a president has to make explanations; which is totaly in keeping with his tactful joke that „If this were a dictatorship, it would be a heck of a lot 7 easier—just so long as I‟m the dictator.‟”

“Yup, that argument could be made, Jim. Although I‟d sooner argue that he SHOULDN’T
communicate; as was first proven when he said he was „wiling to do whatever it took to help Taiwan defend herself‟ against a Chinese atack, including sending American forces; again when he used the word „crusade‟; again when he and Laura told Peggy Noonan that, for them, 9/11 ended on a humorous note; again when he put on his diplomacy hat to proclaim: „Bring ‟em on.‟; again when he told an overwhelmed mother that it was wonderful that she needed to work 3 jobs to make ends meet; again with: „We wil export death and violence to the four corners of the earth in defense of our great nation.‟

…Topping it off on July 13, 2006, when he responded with a joke to a reporter‟s question about the grave escalations in the Middle East.”

“Teacher, if you think al that‟s bad, wait‟l you read All the President’s Spin, by Ben Fritz, Bryan
Keefer, and Brendan Nyhan. If we were to bombard Iraq with copies of it then true democracy would come to fruition overnight if we simply added the qualifier that they should do the opposite of everything in it; i.e., teach them that if you have disdain for the press, aren‟t transparent, your words contradict reality and you „covertly‟ manipulate election results, then you‟ve got no business caling yourself a democracy.”

“Not only that, teacher, but on 8/30/00 during a CNN online chat he completely corroborated your
point with: „Wel, I think if you say you‟re going to do something and don‟t do it, that‟s trustworthiness.‟”

Lewis Black then pointed out: “And twice within a month after that The Master Of Irony made these
prescient warnings: „America beter beware of a candidate who is wiling to stretch reality in order to win points,‟ and, „If we don’t stop extending our troops al around the world in nation-building missions, then we‟re going to have a serious problem coming down the road.‟”

“And the ironic cherry on top of it al,” said Jerry Springer, “is that Mr. Humility stil saw fit to
mock John Kerry for having mixed up Lambeau Field with Lambert Field. It‟s as if he goes out of his way to make himself an easy target.”

“Indeed, Jerry. Anyhow, after you hammer home to him that incoherency is not a political asset, let
him know that he engenders outrage and contempt across the globe. Once he then realizes that his very
presence in office is grossly undermining America‟s security he‟l surely have no choice but to step up to the plate and resign. What‟s more, if he truly wants the chance to demonstrate to the world that he is indeed all about democracy and diplomacy, then he would acknowledge the cold hard evidence that John Kerry is the legitimate winner of the 2004 election; and thus allow Mr. Kerry to be sworn in as the rightful commanderin- chief.”

“John Kerry!?” Larry Miler barked. “Good God, man, you just said that for a leader to be viable he
has to be someone who the people trust. Yet John Kerry already has thousands of veterans who hate his guts. It made no sense whatsoever for such a man to even have run, especialy during a time of war!”
“Wel, Larry, that‟s why I think he ought to have his citizenship revoked. The worst part, though, is
that the man doesn‟t even have 20/20 vision in hindsight. After al, he said that knowing what he knows now, he still would have voted for the authorization on the war. Yet, he‟s the one who was always griping that Bush never came back to Congress as he said he would. So if Kerry could go back in time he would tell Congress, „Hey, I‟m from the future and I can tel you that even though Bush says he‟l come back to Congress, he won‟t. But I stil say that we should vote yes without altering the language of the bil despite the fact that the former Supreme Alied Commander told us in the first place that we shouldn‟t vote yes unless the bill mandates that Bush comes back to Congress.‟ Because of that absurdly imprudent statement Hilary Clinton had to try to defend Mr. Kerry to Tim Russert by saying, „I think John‟s point was that you can‟t make decisions in hindsight.‟ How the Democratic Party didn‟t dissolve into thin air from complete lack of intelectual congruence when she said that, I‟l never know.”

More to Come in the Next Edition of The Switch

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